Learning to Conquer Sibling Strife

Sibling relationships. Am I the only one who struggles? I'm not buying the culture's standard that brothers and sisters simply "don't get along." I believe that if Christians are commanded to love one another, it most certainly should start at home. But it's hard.

Take to heart these words--they're phenomenal--It's going to be alright. Seriously, it is.

Whether you're privileged to be the oldest, or somewhere in between, sibling life is hard work! It takes a daily, conscious effort to be kind, much less build relationships. But listen, you will find that common ground of love. You will try and fail, but then you have to get up and try again. You may not do it right for years. And that's OK. Don't compare, don't give in, overcome the doubts floating in your head of "it's too difficult" or "I'll never be good enough."

Your brothers and sisters will one day recognize you made a daily effort, and will love you all the more. Because it is the deepest example of love. That you didn't get frustrated but kept pursuing them.

Through trial and error (lots of that going on mostly) these are some things I've observed and learned from living with an older brother:

(And so you guys can return the same treatment...I made a special section for you!)

Do's with Brothers:

• Praise them for simple tasks like taking the trash out. They feel it is meaningless until they are valued for it.
• Brag on their gifts in front of others. Even if it's their yard cutting skills. 
• As brothers advance into manhood, make them feel masculine. Tell them how strong they are, what big muscles they have, and find ways to tell them how much you appreciate them being a man. I tell you, it swells their chests for a week. 
• Embrace what they love. Even if it's working out or music that you may not just love the beat to.
• Find something you both enjoy to do together. For my brother and me, it's the movies and dancing. This is especially meaningful if his love language is quality time. (Suggestion: Find out his love language....it really helps.) 

Don't's with Brothers:

• At all costs, and no matter the age, it works to great advantage to refrain from telling brothers what to do. The privilege of asking comes as the relationship builds. 
• Belittling brothers in front of your friends or their friends, sets the relationship way back. Because it tells them you don't value or honor them, and you just showed it to the world.
• Don't ridicule their fashion choices. When in history have you changed someone's opinion by stating YOUR opinion? It doesn't work in politics, and it won't start working in relationships.
• Don't find a 'nice' way of telling them how to be better. Just don't. 

Do's with Sisters: 

• Notice! Honestly. This small nugget of gold will save many a hurt feelings. Notice her hair, especially when it's a new style! Notice how feminine she is and compliment. Nothing drives a girl to continue being feminine more than her brother(s) encouraging that. 
• Brag about her cooking. Or artwork, or business skills, or musical gifts. 
• Frequently hug your sister(s). We love it when our brothers stop a moment to be affectionate. Guys you are no less masculine when tender. Tenderness is a big deal to your sisters. 
• Let her know you are her protector. It warms our hearts to know our brother(s) will stand up for us in words or actions.
• Do a chore unexpectedly. Or shove her out of the kitchen during cleanup. The universal complaint against guys is that they don't notice housework that needs done. Surprise us. 
• Dig into our souls. Come sit on our bed and really learn about our day, opinions, feelings. You have strengths we don't. The beautiful part of relationships is to strengthen one another. 

"Do small things with great love." Anon

Don't's with Sisters:

• Complain about how few socks you have. Really, we do our best. But dad comes first in the sock department. Not happy with that? Grow up and find a wife. :)
• Don't start a sentence with "I wish you would"
• Don't always insist you are right. (This especially hurts if you are younger than us.) We want to know you value our opinions...always being right doesn't cut it. 
• Don't poke at our quirks...especially in front of us and your friends. 
• Don't go to bed angry at us with no resolve. It totally robs our beauty sleep. 

Through the tough journey of sibling relationships, remember to give yourself grace. And give the other person grace. It's OK to mess up. We aren't failures even if we've stunk at this for years. It is never too late, and nothing is ever impossible, with God's grace. 

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Psalm 84:11

Controlling a Perfectionist Nature and Being a Good Leader

Raise your hand if you're the oldest of your siblings.

See if you can relate to this:

You are the sibling who loves chore lists, weekly planners, everyone doing something at the same time (i.e. schooling, reading), everyone completing their chore list at precisely the same time because of course we can't get off our schedule! You can mentally fill the rest in.

It is a natural born tendency for the oldest child to be control freaks.  We were taught from a young age to obey rules, and we feel we have to be the boss, be a good Javert and live by the law and teach others to or die trying.

Being the oldest automatically makes us perfectionists. Don't ask why. If I knew, I'd tell.  And if you haven't learned by now, take it from me, this nature is virtually impossible to allow to prosper in your family. Because living in a family is messy. Life is messy. Kids are messy. There is nothing about living with any other human being that is perfect. And there never will be.

So we are in the 'in charge' spot by birth order, and can't help it. BUT! We can help how we use/abuse that prestigious placing. It is an honor, and great responsibility.

In this new year, I've resolved that I will become that fun loving, relaxed sister who cuts out the extreme obsession/domineering over movie worldviews, song selections, and practice this amazing new concept...letting the parents be the boss! It's not my job to determine what is best for them, it's my job to love them and inspire them through my example and speech. And ultimately, to help build them in their love for Christ and to share this love.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24

With my parents wise counsel and encouragement, these are some things I've been praying about and trying to implement in this new year with my siblings. 

• Letting them be kids...they shouldn't hear "clean up" their whole lives
• Letting them make messes, and sometimes being the mess instigator yourself, if it means they have fun. Putting 'the joy in their hearts' first. 
• Yes we are concerned with music/movies/literature they take in, but it's not our job. Bite your tongue over that song, because it's one less wedge that comes between you and that sibling. 
• Do sporadic, fun things. Pile them up in the car for a surprise...even if it's just to Jack's for ice cream. It makes a difference
• Instead of hoarding your hours of silence/reading time at night in bed, invite the older kids under you in for a game of cards on the bed. 
• With little ones...get down on their level. You aren't above that! Have tea and imagine wild and silly things. Get in the mud with the little boys...even if you have to put gloves on. :) Little minds thrive on imagination and creativity.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:12-14

Where have all the Good Men Gone?

As feminism's hold is growing stronger, the men of this world are looking weaker than ever. The women that still want real men are scratching their heads and trying to put the missing puzzle pieces together.

As the all too popular lyrics from 'Holding out for a Hero' say...

Where have all the good men gone ..Where's the street wise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?..I need a hero. 

I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast And he's gotta be fresh from the fight. I need a hero. 

 I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life!

We shouldn't have to wonder 'where all the good men have gone', because it is us, yes, women, that have done our culture this great defrauding of men and chivalry. I know you've heard this message in a hundred forms but ladies, we help shape our culture! The men are becoming sissified because the women are 'manning up'.

I'm not going to give what I think is the answer to this detrimental problem. But may I leave you with some thoughts to ponder?

Are we encouraging men in their roles as leader, protector, and provider? Or are we making fun at them for opening the door for us or shoving away their protection in pretense that we can take care of ourselves? Do we give the excuse that the desire is too strong to 'prove ourselves'?

Are we sharpening young men in their quest for godliness and character? Or do we merely use them as playthings without brains?

Are we encouraging our brothers in their walk towards manhood? Or are we telling them all the things they aren't and will never be? Do we encourage them in their strengths? Or do we never give those affirming words because we think they can do better? Will we be the designers of godly men? Or the wreckers?

(An excellent post written by a fellow blogger addresses this same issue in his post 'Feminism, all Growed up')