When Are You Ready For Life?

He came into my life when I wasn't looking for him. And now he holds my hand while he shares his dreams. And this is the part where you may expect me to go into a gushy monologue but for everyone's sake, I won't.

My admiration for this man grew so much when I saw his calm defiance against false wisdom around him. He is not easily swayed, and scripture is his first and last dictator.

Something else that astounded me about Kyle is that he has such an amazing grasp of priorities--quite different from the average 20-year-old, and wisdom beyond his age.

His biggest reservation was that I wouldn't be willing to enter a relationship with his long road of med-school ahead. And it's sad that he had to fear that. As Christians, I wonder if we have a skewed and un-biblical mentality about adulthood, careers, successful beginnings, and relationships.

The wisdom of the age would tell us to wait until he's done with college. Wait until you're both "ready." Really, what does ready mean? Ready to face trials? Ready as in financially secure? Ready to finish living for ourselves? It's an interesting word, but it denies the sovereignty of God, and our need for utter dependence on Him. If the time comes to enter into marriage, we may not be ready by the world's terms, but we will be willing to figure it out together.

What's more, we are never quite "ready" for marriage, and the becoming and growing and learning is a thing to be done together. Adam wasn't "ready" for life. He needed help. His wife completed him and together they were able to tackle the hard things.

Kyle is prepared for life ahead, but he isn't ready. He has plans and dreams, but falls back to these words that first stirred my heart..."It's really whatever God has for me."

Guys you don't have to be ready. If you feel you are, undo it, because you're missing something. You don't have to have a fortune in your savings account. You don't have to have a dream home. A willing heart that leans on God's plan is really all you need.

With Kyle, I am willing to walk into anything. I used to think about my "someday" relationship with the mentality "can he fill all my needs?" But that is not how Scripture defines the duty of a relationship. I am to give my all, I am to be "looking to the needs of others."

Am I expecting whatever road lies ahead to be free of trials? No. Are we promised ease and dreams fulfilled just because we're Christians? Absolutely not. One of the most important callings in this life is to sacrifice ourselves to one another daily. That is the bedrock of a lasting relationship.  And it's a calling I'm willing to accept with God's grace.


Related articles:
I wasn't Ready for Marriage
I wish There Was another word besides 'Courtship' 

Quirks of the Fairer Sex Which Ought Not be So

My Dear Sisters,

My friend, Bria, has very kindly given me the opportunity to write several things to my sisters in Christ. I'm going to take this opportunity to affirm some things she's written, as well as submit several more points for your consideration.

It is my prayer that you will hear me speak as a brother, who cares about your well-being in Christ, not as some guy who wants to prove that he's right and you're wrong.

1. Bria quotes the Botkin sisters:

"Young men have told us time and time again: Girls really are the ones who set the tone for the interaction. Young men tend to unconsciously defer to what the young lady seems comfortable with".

This is very, very true. I have experienced it time and again: whether it ought to be this way or not, you young ladies "will" have a great impact on the level of our communication. If you are foolish and silly, we will be that way as well when around you. If you are mature and responsible with your speech, we'll mirror that. As I said, this isn't how it ought to be: we should all be proper and mature men and women, regardless of the behavior of the other person we're speaking with. But as a man, I can attest that what the Botkins wrote is true. Don't underestimate the power of your verbal attitude and communication.


2. Sisters, sarcasm is not attractive. It isn't endearing, it isn't alluring, it isn't cute. It's ugly. In this category, I include foolish jesting. Gals, let me be frank: it's just really hard for us guys to communicate with you when you're constantly "just joking," or "just kidding."

I personally am not really a sarcastic person, and even less of a "just-joking" person. Therefore, it's always a challenge when I am conversing with someone who is constantly joking and making jocular comments. It's tiring, because it feels like conversational whiplash.

The Bible gives us instruction all throughout Proverbs on the importance of handling our tongues wisely. Sarcasm is inherently negative and does not reflect godliness in the tongue. We all are to be gracious with our speech, and this forbids destructive sarcasm, as well as foolish jesting (Ephesians 5:4).

Sarcasm isn't gracious, isn't edifying, isn't glorifying to the Lord. It doesn't build anyone up. Let us "all" instead prayerfully work to apply Proverbs 31:26: "She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness."


3. I could be wrong, but I think an idea prevalent among young ladies is: guys don't notice you all, so you have to look "cute" or act a certain way to get attention. Maybe you'll be at church, or perhaps a conference, but you'll stand there and observe (out of the corner of your eye, of course) all us guys bumble around like blind fellows, consumed with our football or movies, never noticing you in all your reformed, youthful splendor.

First, you're thinking the wrong way. In the first place, you shouldn't be worrying about whether or not we notice you; because if you are, you have the wrong priorities and focus (Matthew 6:33).

Second, it's not true that we don't notice you. We do. Trust me, I'm a guy. I would know. We definitely aren't blind. That said, I'll let you in on a little secret. You don't have to wear cute clothes. You don't have to have sassy glasses. You don't have to act flirty. You don't have to have a camera or a violin. And you "don't" have to have an hourglass figure.

(That said, this does "not" mean you can't dress fashionably. Please don't swing to an extreme and think I'm exhorting you to dress in sackcloth or be "frumpy"—that's "not" what I'm trying to convey. "Do" dress with excellence, as unto the Lord. We do love beauty and femininity.)

You know how to really be attractive? Be a godly woman. Take Proverbs 31 to heart. Take Titus 2 to heart:

"But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine…The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."

Have a gravity and sobriety to your demeanor that marks a mature woman and brings glory to your Heavenly Father and your earthly parents. Be sober. Be joyful, but not foolish. Be level-headed. Be chaste in dress and attitude. Be friendly. Have a handle on your tongue. (See points #1, #2, and #4.) Be a student of the Word. Love God. Love your father. Love your mother. Love your siblings—both biological *and* spiritual. Be humble. Be a hard worker, a servant. Love children. Be the one who's willing to go unnoticed to do a job nobody else wants to do.

"But let it [a woman's true beauty] be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." — 1 Peter 3:4

This is truly beautiful. Forget the sassy glasses, forget the giggling over jokes. Forget looking "cute." Forget "Do they notice me, being all cute?"

Be a godly woman. It shines far greater than being a cute girl does.

4. I once had a friend, a brilliant young lady who studied theology and orthopraxy and theonomopraxy and fat books and great thinkers and everything that comes with it. She had her positions on things, and was unafraid to stand her ground very firmly on her convictions. But one of the greatest things about her is something I think we could use a great deal more of in the church today: humility.

Be willing to be wrong, sisters. (Hear me out.) Just because you think all we know about is shallow stuff (which isn't true—you really should come on over and join our conversations about politics and housekeeping!) it doesn't mean that it's true.

One of the greatest blessings to us young men is to have the other party (regardless of gender) open to other positions. Now, granted, we have to have that spirit as well, but it's happened to me before: I try to strike up a civil discussion about a this topic or that one, but am met with either opposition or dismissal.

It's really discouraging.

There are a few words that can change the situation quite dramatically: "I could be wrong." Or, "I'm still studying." Or, "What do you think?"

"I believe postmillennialism is biblical, but I could be wrong."

"I believe paedocommunion is more biblical than credocommunion, but I'm still studying."

"I think 'The Lord of the Rings' is one of the greatest works of fiction written yet. What do you think?"

This opens the drapes of the conversation, if you will, and lets in the possibility that there might be another valid position out there, as well as acknowledging that you haven't got it all figured out. (Here's a little secret: none of us have.) Subtle, but it goes a long way toward fostering unity.

Be willing to be wrong, and be willing to be corrected by your brothers in Christ.

(And likewise, we need to be willing to be corrected by you! Let's all be humble.)


There, dear sisters. I hope this post has been truly edifying to you, and that you'll prayerfully take my words to heart. Don't simply take them on their own merit, but test them against Scripture.

In Christ,
The Author


— The Author is an eldest child. He lives in a house in the contiguous forty-eight states, has eyes, and wears shoes when he goes abroad. He is, at the time of this writing, a Reforming Presbyterian (but still studying), drinks his coffee black, is extremely fed up with the lack of humility in "reformed" circles today, and thinks everyone should take copious notes in their bookses, yessss, precious.

The Awkward Conversation (The Three Fine Lines) part 2

Now that we have a new awareness of the awkwardness in guy/girl relationships, I think there are three fine lines we must draw:

The Conversation Line: Conversation sets the tone for the whole relationship. I've heard complaints from both sides: "But guys are just so shallow! All they talk about is football, guns, movies, and music." Well what do you talk about, girls? If all you talk about is the latest fashion, hair dos, dress design, and Jane Austen, guys might be thinking the same thing. We are intelligent beings, created in God's image, and a friend's intellect might just surprise you if you take the time to unlock his thoughts.

There are so many ways for us to sharpen one another through conversation. And there is a neutral  and comfortable ground besides movies.  How about politics? Now you may be like me and have a love for learning about politics, but just feel that it is too above you to voice opinions on.

An author I highly esteem taught me that even if you aren't well versed in a subject, all you need is to know how to ask good questions. Theology, war, history, geography, books. Ask questions! It shows you care about the other's opinions. Read up on current events. Read in-depths books and bring up interesting points.

One thing that really helps set the tone is to avoid negative discussions about personal stuff. Complaining about family members, unburdening on your 'sweet, attentive brothers'. It really helps to avoid emotional ickyness that can lead downhill quickly.

Things like "how's your week been?" Or "how's college/work?" etc, is a good conversation starter and can lead to interesting topics. I think it's acceptable to share struggles related to your spitirual walk. That is another area we can sharpen and pray for one another. Being involved in other's Christian life is where the relationship is greatly strengthened yet remains honorable.

And isn't this bit interesting:

"These sorts of situations can be uncomfortable to deal with, but they don’t have to get truly sticky unless we let them. We often have more power to direct this sort of situation than we realize. Young men have told us time and time again: Girls really are the ones who set the tone for the interaction. Young men tend to unconsciously defer to what the young lady seems comfortable with (e.g. if she seems to be enjoying his attentions, he’ll ramp it up; if she thought his coarse joke was funny, well, he’s got more where that came from…). Most often, they let us set the terms; they let us establish the boundaries." Visionary Daughters

"Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude." 1 Peter 3:8

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give  grace to those who hear." Ephesians 4:29

There should be more formality than familiarity in these relationships to remind one another that we are not chums to go through life just having fun with. We are fellow soldiers fighting for a greater kingdom and we don't have time for empty talk and foolish behavior.

Scriptures warn against being a companion of fools. The teen culture is rife with folly and so we must constantly keep ourselves in check and weigh our attitudes. Are they full of folly or wisdom? 

"A prudent man conceals knowledge: but the heart of fools proclaim foolishness." Proverbs 12:23

"He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." Proverbs 13:20

The Physical Line: (1 Thessalonians 4:1-11) In light of treating one another as brothers and sisters, we should also bear respect in the physical boundary because you must remember something. That guy or girl you are talking to is someone's spouse. As are you. Would you like your future spouse to be really touchy with another person? No, because that is one of the special aspects of entering into marriage.

Physical boundaries are something you must create based on your conviction through Scripture.

I used to be the girl who stood three feet or more from a guy while talking. That was my "purity bubble." I was so stuck in the "guard your heart movement", I was afraid of doing my husband evil just by standing near a guy. But I think this shows a distrust in the other person as well as yourself, and that maybe we can be so self-conscious of talking to the opposite sex, we capitalize on the awkwardness.

I offer my hand when being introduced to a young man because I believe it shows that I respect him as a brother instead of thinking, "oh-my-gosh-an-eligible-guy-is-talking-to-me."

Are hugs acceptable? That depends on your comfort zone. I think it would be very respectful to ask if you can have a hug first.  If the person looks like you just asked if you could shoot them, hugging is probably not a good idea.

The Emotional Line: This is a biggie. This is where misconceptions breed prolifically. But I have found that the above two lines are drawn this one will fall more naturally.

This is where we can be so overly possessed with compromising purity we become awkward.

Here's a truth both parties should be aware of: girls over-think everything. Or have a highly active imagination, whatever you want to call it. I'm just saying while our brains can be going 90 to nothing and weighing every possibility of what that comment meant that Bob gave you, the guys simply mean what they say or do. It's not a game of guess-what-they-meant; there is no underlying meaning,  just plain old what they meant.

And girls wonder why the guys don't want to talk. It's their way of protecting you ladies! If you read into things, they want to stay away because that is not what they are trying to convey. Girls, we have to stop it!

"I've spent so much time thinking about all the answers to the problem, that I forget what the problem *actually* was." Claire Colburn

 Here, I'll help you understand the STOP IT concept.

I think if conversation is comfortable and honorable, we don't have to worry half as much about compromised emotions . 

As I've stepped out of my awkward shell, it's been amazing forming relationships with young men and realizing I have brothers behind me, ready to help and protect me. And if we allow God to lead us, we can benefit from what our brothers and sisters views of life are, help grow one another and ultimately build up the kingdom of Christ.

Between counsel from our parents, elders, and scripture, it is within our grasp to build comfortable relationships with brothers and sisters in Christ. It just takes prayer, intention, and a genuine love in Christ for one another. Saying it is easier than doing it. It's not easy, this I have found out. But I can assure you, it is possible.

Related articles:
Be Not Conformed
Virtual Flirtship

Other great sources:
It's Not that Complicated
What Our Father taught us about Boys
What Our Father taught us about Girls

What Do We Know of True Love?

I recently ran across these two touching stories and felt compelled to examine my heart and ask a few questions of myself. I thought I'd talk out loud.

Nick Vujicic, a 29 year old Australian preacher who was born with a rare disorder that left him without any of his limbs, recently married  Kanae Miyahara, the wife he had prayed to be blessed with all his life.

In his own words seven years ago, "I realized that I may not have hands to hold my wife's hand. But when the time comes, I'll be able to hold her heart."

"Committed to being a devoted husband, the 29-year-old preacher hoped to do all he could to be a blessing to Miyahara, who he believes is the greatest gift "after life, salvation, and a relationship with God."  Story

And this tear jerker love story gets me every time. 

How many women are willing to do this? Girls think a minute. When you dream of getting married, what is your romantic scenario? Probably the same as mine. An amazingly intelligent  man that will protect and take care for you, that you can depend on when life gets tough, a man that will be the prophet, priest, and king God has laid out for heads of households to be.

You don't find stories like this in Hollywood (The Vow doesn't count people). They don't go any farther in describing true love than chocolate, flowers, cards, and pre-marital intimacy (and happily ever after is sure to follow those!)

Could we give that up like this woman? Could we instead become what we expected him to be to us, to him? Granted her story is one of rarity, but it can still happen. I think it is a beautiful picture of true love; loving despite what expectations you had in store.

Virtual Flirtship

"Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe." 1 Timothy 4:12

"There are plenty of people who have technically kissed recreational dating goodbye, but are still looking for romantic flings outside of marriage. They want the fun of being in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships without purpose or commitment. Enter flirtship, the popular new alternative to dating and courtship. It’s like dating, only you don’t go out – you use email, chat, or phone, or just pair off whenever you’re in the same vicinity. Either way, you’re definitely – though not officially – well, apparently, anyway – boyfriend and girlfriend." Excerpt from It's Not that Complicated by Anna & Elizabeth Botkin

A young woman once said to me : "I am convinced it's really good if girls be discreet in the way they talk to guys and how often they talk. I mean, it can send a guy the wrong message if you are just constantly talking to just him in a crowd and it may be stirring feelings in him that you had no intention of stirring when you are just trying to be a friendly sister in Christ."

Then she proceeded to talk about a guy she had been emailing for several weeks, two or three times a day. When asked why she thought this was appropriate, but the scenario she described wasn't, she replied "Oh it's not the same online!"

Are we not all guilty of this mentality?

Facebook: From hearing from and witnessing friends, I believe this one of the biggest ways for guys and girls to cultivate 'unintended' relationships. It's just too easy once you're friends to resist posting comments on their walls, sending a message a day. Pretty soon, both are confused about the other's actions and are trying to interpret them. In very extreme cases, Facebook relationships can lead to running away from home to be with your 'special, new found friend.' You may think this sounds a bit drastic, but I personally know of two cases where this has happened.

It's also a way for young people to communicate without their parents necessarily knowing everything they're saying. As with everything else, something that may start harmless has the potential to become dangerous if extreme caution is not exercised.

"A man's harvest in life will depend entirely on what he sows. If he sows for his own lower nature his harvest will be the decay and death of his own nature. But if he sows for the Spirit he will reap the harvest of everlasting life by the Spirit." Galatians 6:7-8

Email: Because emailing doesn't allow for accountability in conversation, caution should be exercised here as well. A wonderful practice to get into is sending an email (with the opposite gender) to your parent's inbox as well, and letting him/her know you are doing so. This lets the parents and the person know that you wish to respect them and keep yourselves accountable so that conversation doesn't become unhealthy.

Blogging: Even in the blog world we must be careful and limit comments on each other's blogs. If you're leaving comments on every post and lengthy or gushy conversations take place, it can be very misleading. However, I see nothing wrong with reading the opposite's posts, for it is good to get perspectives from the opposite gender.

"But what if the guy/girl is the one being bold in their attempts to talk with/be around me?"

Well, you can either get graciously bold back, or involve your father in it. That is one of the many blessing of having fathers; once you involve them in struggles they can step in and intervene when we don't want to appear rude and burst the person's bubble so to speak.

"If Romeo seems smitten with you and showers you with attention and compliments (and is exactly the sort of Montague your parents do not approve of), you can make it very clear in your cool but respectful manner that you are not interested in sharing a balcony scene with him." Excerpt from It's (not) that Complicated

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23

Are we conscious enough of our actions through our fingertips?

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8

(Guys, just because I wrote about blog commenting doesn't mean I wouldn't like to hear your perspective of this subject:)

More Problems with Dating

This post is by my mother who is way beyond me in discussing and debating on controversial subjects. To encourage other teenagers, you are not the only one choosing courting and being against the world's ways. I am reminded almost everywhere that I go and people discover that I'm 'not normal' as they call me. Being 'not normal' actually feels good. I am sixteen, and naturally people expect me to have a boyfriend and go out and 'get a break' from my family. The Bible says this " But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear" 1 Peter 3:15

Hopefully my mother's writing here will help you and aid you as you seek to give an answer.

1. Time frame. We typically start dating as early as 13 or 14 in America. (And preparing for it much earlier: “Do you have a boyfriend yet?”)

This is nothing short of absurd. What purpose does dating fulfill? Based on the thoughts below, it is blasphemous to use such activities for recreational purposes. The idea is no different than sending a child into a candy store with no money. So he licks the pieces he likes and puts them back.

2. Pre-mature romance. Dating assumes that being romantically involved with someone other than your spouse is harmless, or normal. In most cases, the typical person will have a relationship with 5 or more people before marriage.

Not harmless. Would I consider my husband’s involvement with another woman harmless? What if it were only emotional? “Well, of course not, you’re married–that makes it different.” Not so much. Our involvements do not magically disappear at the altar. They are with us for life. My husband NOW was the same man before we married.

We should help our children understand that intimacy, romance, dating, etc. is nothing to play with. Until they are ready to pursue marriage, there should not even be a hint of pursing a relationship with the opposite gender.

As someone mentioned in the comment thread last post, dating is logicallyincongruent with marital faithfulness. “Falling in love” then breaking up, repeat, repeat, repeat…is nothing more than creating the habit of a heart to leave when “I don’t like it anymore”.

Nothing about dating involves loyalty and faithfulness; it’s easy to get in, and easy to get out. Hmmmm…kind of resembles most marriages. (Let’s think about it!)

A “spotless bride” is so much more than physical purity! This is the problem I have with the well-intentioned “Love Waits” campaigns many churches have done. It assumes that as long as we don’t “go all the way”, we’ll be OK. Not so. Love waits, indeed–for everything.

3. Deception. Another BIG problem: dating allows for a “smoke screen” that easily deceives. If I’m considering a person for marriage, don’t I need to see them in action? How do they relate to their family? What are they really like in the grind of life? A movie and dinner doesn’t reveal those things. I’ll talk more about what I mean here in a later post.

“But how does someone know a person is the right one unless they’ve dated several people?”

This reasoning is illogical; if it had any substance, it would assume that a person must date every person alive before he could know which one was right. (I could try 10 different shampoos and go with #10; but what about the other 437 brands left? I’m still left wondering.)

I wish I could plead with parents to grasp the flawed model of dating, to understand its devastation, to be willing to say “NO” for their children.

I challenge you to really think about it, if you haven’t before.

If you would like to read further on these topics you can go to Generation Cedar.

Dating/Courtship

This is from my mother's blog:

"Dating doesn’t even have a place among people who aren’t ready for marriage.

I know, bizarre statement in our culture. “Dating” (a relatively new term in America) was originally a way two people got to know each other in the context of families to see if there was potential for marriage. Parents observed the potential spouse, stopped some before they ever approached, and helped guide their children through the hazards/benefits they saw in the potential partner. The actual idea of recreational dating–dating at 14, 15, 16 years of age “just because”–as a mere hobby–is absurd if anyone will take the time to think it through.

Often I get the response, “Right…and I’m so sure you can convince your children of that.” Or, “if you *make* your kids do that they will rebel”.

Another grave misunderstanding about the whole thing. When children are raised with the idea that recreational dating is, well, dumb and worse–harmful, it’s not a forced idea; they embrace it for themselves, much like any other idea you are diligent to teach your children.

We aren’t talking about “arranged marriage” either. We’re talking about parents being involved in one of the most important decisions in the life of their children, just like they’ve been involved (hopefully) in the other ones. It would seem only logical, and yet we’ve been convinced it’s “meddling” (???)

And, although we want a “how-to-manual” for the alternative, I don’t think it’s a formula…I think it’s a principle, that will look different in possibly every situation.

And that principle basically says you spend your youth developing your skills, your character, your interests and gifts–preparing for what the Lord has for you as an adult. You do NOT spend it in intimate relationships with people who will one day be complete strangers to you. That in no way prepares a person for marriage, and as we’ve discussed, can actually bring detriment.

When a young person is of the age he or she is considering marriage, prayerful consideration is the first important step. Trusting that God will honor those who seek Him for a marital partner is key.

Then as families come into your family’s life, people get to know each other–in a real way, not just in a “dating facade”. As interests are expressed, the parents and son or daughter can have objective discussions about compatibility and potential problems, without a blind, emotional screen.

I plead with Christian parents to really think about this thing. Who should be dictating the method by which we escort our children into the most important institution on earth?

Believe God…trust HIM to guide this crucial process. The alternative is trusting the culture’s method. With its track record, who in their right mind would continue to gamble on it?"